Why haven't I talked to her?

Five long years.. since i met her in my life..
in between i have seen her only twice while she crossed the road during heavy traffic..
Suffered many days that i couldn't even say a 'HI' to her..

That day, when i saw her in that departmental store
we were in different billing section
i was turning around the shop due to tiredness
At one point, i saw her..

Instead of screaming in happiness,
i turned away from her that she shouldn't notice me..
why did I do so?????

Long back, some 10 years ago, when i was in 7th std,
she was just a good classmate to me..
and of course, a competitor in rank..

when i was in 8th std, i liked something in her..
i am a person to frankly express what i feel..
i used to be behind her, calling her - BF (Best Friend)
Even before Director SJ Suryah named the movie,
i was the one who created that term, just, just for her..
People in my class teased me what i found in her to go around her..
I never bothered but simply enjoyed all her reactions..

When i go close to her, she used to turn the other way..
If i talk to her, she will become an assistant to Director Mani Ratnam..
Yeah.. she wont utter more than 5 to 6 words..
I continued the same way in 9th std..
but this time i made calls to her land line..
i used to talk frequently to her and her mom..
but never ever i disturbed her or wasted her precious time..
but i did disturb her cartoon time..
Children's day was a carnival in school,
she was dull that day, when asked, she told she had fever..
After 2 hours, i saw her vomiting..
leaving all my things behind, i rushed to her..
caught hold of her head when she vomited to reduce her pains..
she couldn't stop me but pushed me back..
but i caught hold tightly..
Took her to the rest room and made her sleep..
she was back to normalcy after 1 hour sleep.
The whole day, which was the most expected day for me, went with her..
Nevertheless, the day had more for me than i expected..

i enjoyed the way she scolded me,
i enjoyed when she threw me away with words,
but my affection grew more and more..
i know she realized it but she didn't express it..

When we were in 10th std, our class teacher gave us a joint work..
My BF entered my home for the first time..
i was on clouds..
we were given a work to decorate our class with paintings from text books..
i assisted her in her work.. yeah, it was her work..
but i was just assisting leaving everything to her wish..
since it was time, she ordered me to do certain touch ups in the chart..
like a child, like a slave, i just nodded my head..
i completed as she directed,
and the next day, we presented our work in the class..
she was tensed.. she didn't want anyone to see the work..
but made some more touch-ups..
i was admiring her tension
coz she talked more and more to me in name of that tension..
i just loved the way when she held my hand tightly when the result was to be announced..

The teacher told that ours was the best of all in terms of presentation..
of course.. the credit goes to her..
i shared the credit with her..
whenever i top the class, she used to see me with a look of sigh..
but not jealousy..
this time i had a different look -
a look full of love, affection, success and satisfaction..

Rainy days - she wore a beautiful raincoat..
i just loved her selection..
Along with my mom, i was searching for the same kind of raincoat..
It was a great shock for me..
Coz i love rain and i never protected myself from rain..

But for the first time.. i preferred her to rain..
Got the raincoat.. A great happiness..

11th std departed us into different classrooms in terms of groups.
she wanted me to do Biology but i opted for Computer Science..
i was not aware about Medicine and Engineering.. but simply made my option..
Our contact was reduced in terms of phone or meet time..
In days ahead, i stopped going behind her explicitly..
But always had her in me..
But i wondered why she didn't express it to me - the love she had on me..
May be my rank?
May be my behavior?
May be my attitude?

When she heard my grandma's expiry in 12th std,
she herself volunteered to me and consoled me wiping my tears..
Does that mean, she realized my longingness for her?
Does that mean, she too loved me but kept within herself?

Years passed and when i was in UG - 1st year,
i saw her once while she crossed the road.
Due to traffic i was unable to stop her..
but found her very stylish than before..
Second time, same scenario, but i was in 2nd year..
Some of my schoolmates complained that she has changed a lot in wrong way..
But i never paid heed to any of their words..
I always have her in that place where she is.. 
I heard that she is topping her class in B.Tech IT..
and she is just unique there, through a good friend..
Felt very very happy for her
and in fact enjoyed her success as mine..

This much i have for her.. and much more that can't be expressed..
Then what stopped me from talking to her on that day when i met after these many years?
My Ego?
My Stubbornness?
My Frustration that she turned away from me?

No, not at all..
I controlled myself just coz of FEAR..
the fear was whether..
she will recognize me?
she will talk to me properly? (in case she recognizes)
or
just turn away on seeing me..

Not wishing to get disappointed after these many years,
i just have a satisfaction that i saw her..
That's more than enough..
But in one corner..
i still have this question, 'Why haven't I talked to her?'